Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The power of my boobs compel you
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
