I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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