I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
