Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
