Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
