how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
