Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
