party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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