Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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