i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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