i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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