Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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