i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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