I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
