I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize