Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
