I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Small penises have feelings too.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
