Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize