My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize