I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
