Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
