I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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