I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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