Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
