Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
