I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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