whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
