Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
