remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize