No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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