He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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