omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize