i may or may not be watching the land before time
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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