at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
