theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
