My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's never too late to be topless.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize