So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
