I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
