I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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