It's like God shit irony all over that family
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
