how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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