we have pet lesbian snakes
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
