Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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