I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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