Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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