I CAN MOONWALK!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
