dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
