By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
