I accidentally had phone sex last night
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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