here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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