Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
