epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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