You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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