the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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