she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk is a universal language darling
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
