I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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