i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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