Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
