i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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