If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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