My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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