I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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